Woody Allen

And if it turns out that there is a God, I don't believe that he is evil. The worst that can be said is that he's an underachiever.
(Love and Death)

I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.
(Play it Again Sam)

I'm really a timid person - I was beaten up by Quakers.
(Sleepers)

My brain - it's my second favorite organ.
(Sleeper)

Q. Have you ever taken a serious political stand on anything?
A. Yes, for twenty-four hours I refused to eat grapes.
(Sleeper)

Eternal nothingness is OK if you're dressed for it.
(Getting Even, 'My Philosophy')

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
(Getting Even, 'My Philosophy')

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
(Without Feathers, 'The Scrolls')

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
(Death)

The thing to remember is that each time of life has its appropriate rewards, whereas when you're dead it's hard to find the light switch. The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife - a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held. On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
(The Early Essays)

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
(The Early Essays)

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy.
(Woody Allen: Clown Prince of American Humor)

My parents were very old world. They come from Brooklyn, which is the heart of the Old World. Their values in life are God and carpeting.
(Woody Allen: Clown Prince of American Humor)

I am an only child. I have one sister.
(Woody Allen: Clown Prince of American Humor)

I am at two with nature.
(Woody Allen: Clown Prince of American Humor)

I wanted to be an arch-criminal as a child, before I discovered I was too short.
(Woody Allen: Clown Prince of American Humor)

I asked the girl if she could bring a sister for me. She did. Sister Maria Teresa. It was a very slow evening. We discussed the New Testament. We agreed that He was very well adjusted for an only child.
(Woody Allen: Clown Prince of American Humor)

And my parents finally realize that I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: they rent out my room.
(Woody Allen and His Comedy)

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
(Woody Allen and His Comedy)

Death is an acquired trait.
(Woody Allen and His Comedy)

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work…I want to achieve it through not dying.
(Woody Allen and His Comedy)

I took a course in speed reading learning to read straight down the middle of the page, and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.
(Quote and Unquote)

Take the money and run.
(Film title)

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
(Selections from the Allen Notebooks, New Yorker)

I recently turned sixty. Practically a third of my life is over.
(Sayings of the Week, Observer)

My problems all started with my early education. I went to a school for mentally disturbed teachers.

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.

The baby is fine. The only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's so hard to find your way around Chinatown.

How can I believe in God when only last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.

If you don't fail now and again, it's a sign you're playing it safe.

The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more.

More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

94.5% of all statistics are made up.

Why ruin a good story with the truth?

Have you ever noticed that good people sleep better, but bad people seem to have more fun when they're awake?

It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light and certainly not desirable, as ones hat keeps falling off...

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down."